HOUSTON — Let’s fight about which Super Bowl city is better!
The Atlanta Falcons and the New England Patriots may meet in Houston on Sunday. But after the game, the fans still have to return home to their respective cities and/or regions to continue with their lives. So who’s the real winner when it’s all over? Let’s use some completely random categories to decide!
(Oh also, we’re abundantly aware New England is a region and not a city. Does that count against the Patriots for unclear territory, or for it because it’s essentially many cities in one? Talk amongst yourselves.)
Best regional food
No one can ever say Atlanta is short on delicious, horrible-for-you food: Shrimp and grits, chicken and waffles, anything Chick-fil-A has to offer. But consider this: You can get a pretty decent set of chicken and waffles in plenty of places up and down the east coast. On the other hand, New England clam chowder anywhere outside of New England is just fish-flavored trash paste. Also: Lobster rolls.
Winner: New England, 1
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Best celebrity fan
Treasured Actor Samuel L. Jackson isn’t so much a fan of the Atlanta Falcons as he is their spirit animal. Nothing will make a Falcons fan want to tear through the streets naked like Samuel L. screaming “Rise Up, Atlanta!” And they’re glad they have him, because the Falcons fan base is a bit thinner than most.
The New England fan base, however, is so strong and loud and sprawling it’s almost sickening. And you know who’s a big fan of Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and Patriots owner Robert Kraft? The President of the United States, and like it or not, that kind of trumps all. (Heh. Trumps.)
Winner: New England, 2
Best music scene
New England has given us: New Kids on the Block, Phish, a good ’90s punk and grunge scene and…Michael Bolton.
Atlanta has given us: Ludacris, Usher, T.I., Lil John, Outkast and countless other members of hip-hop royalty. Oh, you want country singers? Alan Jackson lives here. So does Jason Aldean. Blues? Got ’em. Also Justin Bieber hangs out here a lot but that’s not important.
Winner: Atlanta, 1
Southerners like their tea sweet. New Englanders like their tea…
Winner: New England, 3
New England’s chain of choice is Dunkin Donuts, which is solid and easily franchised. Atlanta’s chain of choice is Waffle House, a fluorescent oasis of bacon grease that is open 24 hours every day unless the world is actively ending. Sure, their definition of “waffle” is a little elastic and could be interpreted as “embossed pancake” but oh man it’s so good. Sorry Dunkin.
Winner: Atlanta, 2
Massachusetts has Matthew Perry and of course, native son and national treasure Matt Damon. Atlanta has Matt Ryan, Matt Bryant and Matt Bosher. Pretty sure only one group of Matts is going to the Super Bowl.
Winner: Atlanta, 3
Best mascot you wouldn’t want to meet in real life
Tangling with a falcon seems like zero fun, but if you met Pat Patriot you’d be like “Whoa man, haven’t you been dead for like, 200 years?”
Winner: New England, 4
Okay, so there are good accents and bad accents from both places, but someone yelling in a southern accent usually sounds like they are admonishing you for not eating enough pecan pie. Someone yelling in a Boston accent just means a fight is about to break out at the Dunkin Donuts.
Winner: Atlanta, 4
Best big thing
New England has Big Papi aka former Boston Red Sox star David Ortiz aka a living legend whose mere mention brings a smile to the faces of even Boston’s most hated rivals.
Atlanta has a big chicken. It also brings smiles, because it’s attached to a KFC, but it’s no Big Papi.
Winner: New England, 5
Best tall building
Tall buildings symbolize power and virility. It is good to have very tall buildings. Both Boston and Atlanta have tall, shiny, beautiful buildings. Boston’s tallest is the lustrous Hancock Tower, standing at 790 feet tall. Counterpoint: When the Hancock Tower first opened it would regularly shed its glass panels, raining terror onto crowds below. Not cool!
The tallest building in Atlanta is the Bank of America Plaza, which is cool but we’re going to go with another one for reasons that are about to become apparent. The second-tallest building, SunTrust Plaza, still narrowly beats out Hancock at 870 feet. It has, to our knowledge, never tried to kill anyone AND, please get ready for this…
it is home to…
wait for it…
A NEST OF FALCONS.
Winner: Atlanta, 5
Who’s the winner?
It’s a tie! That seems like a lot of work to not pick a winner, but to be honest, both cities (pardon, regions) kind of rule. And also, it would be too tempting to see a victory as a bellwether of the actual Super Bowl outcome. Can you predict the future? No! So for now we’re all winners.