Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I

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twilight breaking dawnDirector Bill Condon has done a few of the Twilight films. He wrote and directed Dreamgirls, Kinsey, Gods and Monsters – all receiving critical acclaim. He wrote Chicago. Now, he’s a major player in Hollywood.

It’s a shame writing duties went to Stephenie Meyer (of the Twilight books) and Melissa Rosenberg (who co-wrote all the Twilight films).

This is a horrible script; a poorly directed movie with boring, one-dimensional characters. That being said – the Twilight fans will go nuts over it. They were all camped outside the (team) EdwardsCinema in Mira Mesa the night before when I went to another screening.

When Taylor Lautner took his shirt off in the first few minutes of the movie – there was both yelling from the young girls, and laughter from others. It wouldn’t be the first time we’d hear unintentional laughs at the cornball stuff going on.

Some have praised the soundtrack. I not only didn’t care for Carter Burwell’s score, but the bands in here I like (Iron & Wine, Bruno Mars, Aqualung, the Noisettes), are used so poorly. It seemed like when a song would start, it turned into a music video.

With the Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher marriage ending and the talk of their age difference, I couldn’t help think of the age difference between Bella (Kristen Stewart) who is 18, and her vampire boyfriend Edward (Robert Pattinson). He’s 105, but doesn’t look a day over 19 (maybe it’s all the makeup, or staying out of the sun).

There’s a boring wedding ceremony in which Stewart imagines herself covered in blood after devouring not only the wedding cake, but the wedding party. You don’t worry about things like a lame gift from your aunt, or the co-worker you didn’t invite to the wedding – when you’re wish is for Pattinson to turn you into a vampire.

Lautner shows up. No tie, but at least he wore a shirt. He’s still brooding over the fact that she’s marrying Edward.

He tries talking some sense into her, but after a wedding night that wasn’t as bloody or painful as we expected – we have a new treat. There’s a baby on the way. At least she won’t have nine months of morning sickness. This Rosemary’s Baby is movin’ along fast.

I didn’t just think of that Roman Polanski classic at that point…but a little about Dexter when Pattinson talks about the few times he hunted humans for blood.

And just when I’m thinking I might get a scene like the one that hurt John Hurt in Alien – the movie hides all the gore during childbirth.

I gave nothing away. Just as the Harry Potter films tried to milk the last two in the series with a Part 1 and 2, this series did that – and the fans know what’s coming.

Sometimes movies seem to be written for teenagers, but they can still be entertaining. Titanic comes to mind. This movie, though – is all over the map, dumb, overdramatic garbage with a bunch of pretty boys running around. And the most gorgeous person in it is Nikki Reed, who barely had anything to do.

The real life teenagers flocking to see this aren’t vampires or werewolves, but they’ve become zombies – that stand at the box office, arms stretched to hand over their hard earned allowance – to sit through this mess.

Somebody drive a stake through Stephenie Meyers heart (or the hand she writes with)…so we can be done with anything else she writes.

This gets ½ a star out of 5.

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