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The weapons she carries probably weigh more than her.

Contrary to popular belief, if critics could have their choice, they’d prefer all movies they see to be great. What would be more fun than having a job where you sit and watch good movies all week?

Sure, you can be clever tearing up a really bad movie, but as is the case with Colombiana, even that won’t be fun this time.

I can’t list the flaws, because that would be 10,000 words long. Everything about this movie is flawed.

It’s one of the rare films I watched thinking about various ways each scene could’ve been done better. It’s also rare in the fact that I either write lots of notes, or nothing at all. It depends what’s going on and what I want to remember while watching the movie that I feel I may forget. My notes for this consisted of one word: idiotic.

The older Cataleya is played by Zoe Saldana (Avatar). She witnessed her parents being murdered when she was a child. She eludes the drug kingpins, in that ever popular rooftop chase.

When she gets to the States, she escapes from authorities to live with an uncle that seems like an actor wishing he was in Scarface. Every time he shot his gun (like in the ridiculous scene outside the school and into a station wagon, to prove some insane point to the girl)…I’m expecting him to yell “Say hello to my little friend!”

Saldana looks like she’s angry she didn’t get any of those roles that Angelina Jolie snags. Don’t worry about how a gal that weighs 110 pounds soaking wet could knock out bad guys with punches and kicks. Remember, she’s been trained to do this since she was seven!

This was co-written by Luc Besson, who as a writer and director, has given us garbage like Hitman, From Paris With Love, and the various Transporters and Taxis. At least his Fifth Element was a guilty pleasure.

Besson not only writes horrific dialogue, but he even borrows from his own catalog. This movie has bits of his The Professional and La Femme Nikita.

There was a shark scene that was ridiculous — and various criminals that get assassinated – both of those scenes could’ve been fun (the way some scenes in Con Air were, despite that not being a great film).

You get multiple explosions, punches, shotgun shells hitting the ground in slow motion…and when the rooftop chase scene has Cataleya going through backyards and houses of surprised folks…and a few minutes later we see the bright lights of Chicago at night…I wished I had just stayed home and watched Ferris Bueller.

It gets 1 out of 5 stars.

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