The Last Stand

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last stand
“Next time, keep your eye on him!”

This horrible movie is going to try to get that vibe that The Expendables had. They can joke about age, weight, and we’re all expected to just laugh along because – look, it’s Arnold again! Isn’t this exciting?

No, it wasn’t. The guy walks into a diner making small talk with the town folk – and nothing about it even seemed remotely authentic. It reminds me of the time I heard him yell at a woman on screen “You have nothing to worry about! I have been a U.S. Federal Marshal for 25 years!”

Yet it sounded like he just came to this country 25 minutes ago. Of course, you expect an Austrian accent from a sheriff named Ray Owens, right? At least he does own up to being from somewhere else. He tells the crazy drug kingpin “You give us immigrants a bad name.” (an even funnier statement coming from a sheriff in Arizona).

The kingpin who escapes prison (with the help of a big magnet – still used best in The InLaws), has a bunch of bad guys that will shoot anything in their path. Of course, they better watch out for the cute old lady in her living room that hates trespassers.

The cast made me yearn for others that actually had decent roles in decent films. Forest Whitaker, as the FBI agent who let Eduardo Noriega get away – does nothing but scream at various people. I thought about how much I loved Yaphet Kotto in Midnight Run.

Luis Guzman, as the dorky sidekick sheriff…made me think about how much fun Jackie Gleason was in the Smokey and the Bandit movies; or how much fun he usually is in films.

Johnny Knoxville is much more fun in the Jackass movies blowing stuff up.

Noriega has a cherried out Corvette that was stolen from a car show, and can go faster than 200 mph. Their idea of humor is showing it zip by a cop with its lights out, while he eats donuts wondering why the windows shook in his vehicle.

Of course, this will be no match for Schwarzenegger, who has his friends red Camaro. They’ll have a car chase through cornfields, which – made me think about how much more we liked the chase scene through the cornfields in North by Northwest. Hell, I wanted to wish the director and screenwriter into the cornfield. Make them stay there forever, until they can come up with a decent movie.

The weirdest thing is that this movie didn’t have the typical Schwarzenegger catch phrases. Sure, when one guy says “You f***ed up my car!” He quickly responds with “You f***ed up my day off!”

That was catchy, but what happened to the other opportunities? He used a school bus to shoot out of, and he could’ve said afterwards, “Class dismissed!”

When the Camaro has the top sheered off, can’t he poke his head up and say “I always wanted a convertible!”

When he’s hiding behind a truckload of watermelons, and we see the explosions like something out of a Gallagher concert – can’t he catch a piece and start eating it? The few attempts they had at humor in this movie just fell flat.

I also love how when Sheriff Owens gets the bad guy, Noriega is able to pull out his cell phone, call somebody, and offer a bribe of up to $5 million dollars. I recall Owens said earlier that he was on the LAPD, and had seen lots of blood and fighting. I’m guessing he’d know that an officer probably makes a person keep their hands in the air, not reaching into a leather jacket for anything.

And after that same clichéd scene I just saw in Gangster Squad (and End of Watch before that) – where the cop has him, but instead throws his gun down so they can duke it out with their fists. Can’t we give those dumb scenes a rest? The problem is, we’ve all seen a million episodes of Cops, and we realize if things get out of hand, they keep their guns drawn until backup arrives. It might not be as fun as the fight scene at the end of Lethal Weapon, but ya gotta move on. That was the ‘80s.

This is formulaic garbage and you’ll wish you would’ve gone to see Mama instead.

My favorite thing about this movie was the smokin’ version of Willie Dixon’s I Ain’t Superstitious in the closing credits. I may have liked it more because it meant the movie was ending.

This is the worst movie of the year, but hey – the year is only three weeks old.

1 star out of 5.

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