Seventh Son

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“It’s quite possible that I’m your third man, girl
But it’s a fact that I’m the seventh son.
And right now you could care less about me,
but soon enough you will care, by the time I’m done.”

— Jack White

Well, I never did care by the time I was done. No, no…not in regards to The White Stripes song, but the derivative movie that deals with blood moons, witches, dragons, swords, and all that mumbo jumbo.

Julianne Moore and Jeff Bridges had a brief “romance” in The Big Lebowski, and these Oscar winners play a couple that was once in love. Things ended badly when it turned out she was a witch.

Instead of bringing his goofy Lebowski charm, Bridges brought that groggy voice he used in the other Coen brothers movie – True Grit. He also has a drink in his hand in most scenes, just like his Rooster Cogburn character.

Moore will later this month when the Oscar for a movie opening this weekend, while Bridges continues to tour and perform as a musician (he looks like singer/pianist Leon Russell in this).

It’s the Middle Ages, and Bridges plays a knight named Master John Gregory. He always takes on an apprentice that ends up dying, because he’s not just doing normal knightly duties. He’s in charge of doing exorcisms and killing witches (it’s a bit weird that they keep calling him a “spook”).

The first bar room brawl is a lot of fun, and the first time you see a witch turn into a dragon, you’ll be impressed. You soon realize that this doesn’t dazzle us in the special effects department (and the 3-D is wasted). The story you’ve seen before.

His latest apprentice is Tom (Ben Barnes of The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian), who is the seventh son of a seventh son. We find out later in the movie he’s also a little more.

They’re out to get the witch that has recently escaped from a cell that the Master put her in 10 years previously.

There’s a love story when Tom falls for Alice (Alicia Vikander). The town folk want to burn her for being a witch. He saves her and, despite the lack of chemistry, we get to see them getting together a few times through out the film.

I Googled to see Vikander’s age [side note: “Vikander” sounds like a name from that time period]. I felt she looked too young for the part. She came across like a 13-year-old Natalie Portman (she’s actually 26).

Moore is fine as the wicked witch, but I think we’re all a bit burned out (no pun intended) with the great actresses taking a stab at witches. We had Charlize Theron, Mila Kunis, Angelina Jolie, and Meryl Streep the last few years.

This movie, based on a series of children’s books, took five writers and two directors.

This dude doesn’t abide.

It gets 1 ½ stars out of 5.

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