Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

At the Movies Blog

Blart, I know you’re out there…

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There wasn’t a press screening for this and when I went on opening night, it wasn’t with the highest of expectations. The movie had 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. There wasn’t a single critic that liked it.

So I was pleasantly surprised that I laughed five times. Yet counting all the laughs from a comedy on one hand is never a good thing.

I wondered going in if, since I didn’t see the original 2009 film, if I’d be confused as to what was going on. Nah. It’s a fat guy with a goofy mustache, that has mad Segway skills. We’re supposed to laugh at him because he’s fat. That’s my big complaint with Melissa McCarthy. The material written for her is awful. All the blame for that in Blart 2 goes to Kevin James, who not only produced the movie, but co-wrote it.

It’s hard to figure out why he made himself so unlikable. If he would’ve had a good relationship with his daughter, we could laugh at the silly antics he has with the much smarter criminals. Instead, he’s mean to his daughter, and basically obnoxious to everyone around him. It doesn’t mean you won’t laugh when he tells the hotel staff he needs a “bottomless bowl of peanut M&Ms in his room.”

When he sees the Mini Kiss tribute band in an elevator, I chuckled when he asked them if they play “Beth.” Of course, not having the closing credits play the song “Beth” was a missed opportunity.

Everything was wrong with how they did this film. The mall cops of America show up for a convention in Las Vegas. The humor is supposed to be derived by them all having beer bellies and sounding idiotic about all their accomplishments (Why Nicholas Turturro agreed to be in this, I’ll never know).

During that time, a heist is going on at a casino that obviously spent a fortune paying the filmmakers to feature. The criminals are replacing all the art work with forged copies.

A side story involves his daughter (Raini Rodriguez) not wanting to tell daddy Blart she got accepted to UCLA and will be leaving him. An opening scene showed his mom being killed by a milk truck and his wife leaving him after six days. The milk truck scene didn’t work, but hearing him quote lyrics to “I’ve Never Been to Me” did. It would’ve been nice if 50% of the jokes in the movie worked. The percentage was around 5%.

Think Like a Man Too also thought they could liven up the franchise by filming in Las Vegas. Both were unfunny. What was filmed in Vegas, should’ve stayed in Vegas. Instead, it’s stinking up cinema screens everywhere.

Not sure why they felt we’d laugh because Blart thinks he’s going to give a keynote speech at a convention, or acts like he’s a real cop to anybody that will listen. We can like a lovable oaf, but not an arrogant one.

There’s non-stop bad slapstick gags that never work. You wonder if they even watched the dailies.

Director Andy Fickman gave us the worst Billy Crystal movie ever made (Parental Guidance). He also did a few lame Dwayne Johnson films, and now one of the laziest comedies ever. Even the title is lazy.

It’s strange, because James writes great material for his stand-up. He is funny in interviews and on sitcoms. This movie felt like a bad sitcom, where we can just watch unrealistic scenarios transpire, and we’re supposed to laugh because a security guard is eating a rotten banana.

There’s a scene you get in the trailers that ends the movie. Paul Blart is kicked by a horse and flies into a car window. I felt like applauding, hoping Blart had died and we wouldn’t have to endure a Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3.

This gets ½ of a star out of 5.

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