Furious 7

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Roy Hobbs could hit in The Natural. Luke Hobbs can hit in Furious 7.

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I lost 10 IQ points just sitting in the theatre for over two hours of this garbage. This is the type of movie that fans of professional wrestling like. Horrible acting and dialogue, but lots of noise; fights, car crashes, explosions. Who cares if there are plot holes, repetitive stunt sequences, and every law of physics broken.

The movie starts with Deckard (Jason Statham) furious that his brother Owen is in the hospital and he wants revenge on the crew that did it. That means he saunters into the police station when Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) is walking a woman to her car. They fight, but he escapes with a disc and all the info he needs to systematically hunt them down. It’ll be the first of only a few scenes that Johnson is in, because the fight leaves his arm and leg in a cast.

Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) is getting more muscular, and for some reason, it seems to be hampering his acting ability. Something about the way he uttered his lines was just painful to watch. Anyway, Toretto is dealing with his wife Letty (Michelle Rodriquez) not remembering their life together. Oh, if only I could erase the memory of this awful series of films. Perhaps I did, since I have no clue how she got amnesia.

Brian (Paul Walker) is enjoying the family life. I think. I’m never really sure with these “one last job” type of films.

When each of these characters spoke, I wanted to slap them in the face. Of course, they would’ve all kicked my ass (even Michelle Rodriquez), but it’s just baffling that people don’t mind collecting big paychecks for unleashing such crap on the public. And there’s no doubt this movie will make $100 million in its first few weeks.

We get to see Tony Jaa (The Protector, Ong-Bak), making his English speaking debut. His sequences are fun.

When Kurt Russell shows up with the sunglasses and slicked back hair, I wondered if this was trying to be another Expendables.

Remember how the phrase “Jumping the Shark” came about because of Fonzi jumping over a shark when the cast of Happy Days went to California? Now that phrase is used for when a TV show goes from being good, to being ridiculous. For me, the “Jumping the Bus” scene in Speed is when I stopped liking stupid action sequences. I grew up appreciating great car chases in movies like The French Connection, The Blues Brothers, Terminator 2, Mad Max, and Bullitt. More contemporary films could pull these off, too (Ronin, The Italian Job). Yet this series gives us cars that drive out of airplanes with parachutes, or driving off trains. In this, we had people driving off a cliff (think Thelma & Louise, but surviving). There’s a scene with a car driving through the 15th floor of a building…into another building. They do that twice! Gravity, schmavity! This series “Jumped the Bus” about three films ago.

We all learned about the dangerous of being involved in a head on collision. Apparently, these filmmakers aren’t aware of that, because after these head-on collisions, we get to see the drivers get out and fight with each other. Not a single broken bone on them.

This movie probably had 25 attempts at humor, without a single one landing.

It had two scenes where they show up at an exotic locale; once in Abu Dhabi. We hear some hip-hop, see fancy cars, and women in bikinis gyrating. Uh…are we watching rap videos or a movie? Seriously, who is this geared to?

I couldn’t even get excited looking at the cool cars: Aston-Martin, Bugati, Chargers…some old school Camaros, Tarinos, Barracudas, and Mustangs. I’d rather go down to Escondido on a Friday night and check out the rides on Cruisin’ Grand.

The sentimentality in this doesn’t work, either.

That brings me to Paul Walker, who died before this movie was completed. A few people have mentioned how awkward it looked seeing his face superimposed over a stunt-double. I never noticed that (but I didn’t notice the fake baby in American Sniper, either; and I saw that twice!).

It’s strange how this glorifies the car racing culture, and that’s exactly how Walker died. He had a collection of fast cars, and was in one going over 100 mph. Now, I don’t think movies have a responsibility on what happens in culture. I thought it was ridiculous when Varsity Blues filmmakers got into trouble for some stupid stunt they had football players doing in the street. Others started recreating that and got hit by cars.

I thought it was idiotic that when Beavis & Butthead aired, they had to stop having one of them light fires because a toddler copied him and burned down their mobile home.

Yet not a word from anybody about Walker contributing to this race culture we have. As I’m writing this, I’m watching Entertainment Tonight gush over how great Walker was in this, and how it’s a nice send off, and blah blah blah.

If you’re a fan of the series, you’ll love this movie. If you’re an adult with a brain, you should probably skip it. I’m amazed that it’s getting 80% good reviews on Rotten Tomatoes.

0 stars out of 5.

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