Assassin’s Creed

This is an archived article and the information in the article may be outdated. Please look at the time stamp on the story to see when it was last updated.

I got to a morning screening of the movie Assassin’s Creed not knowing anything about it. I figured it could be the latest Rocky film. Silly me. It’s another movie based on a video game [side note to Hollywood: has the video game to movie jump worked yet?]

Now, people gave Angelina Jolie crap for the horrible By the Sea, calling it a “vanity project.” Perhaps you can say the same thing about producer/star Michael Fassbender, who spent five years on this. And I’ll give him this. He assembled the best cast, in the worst movie, that I’ve seen in a decade. That cast includes Brendan Gleeson, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, Charlotte Rampling, and Michael Kenneth Williams.

Fassbender looks as if he’s going through the motions half the time, but I suppose that’s his acting for this character. He’s supposed to be confused some of the time. Certainly the audiences will be. It has a somewhat incomprehensible plot.

Fassbender is Callum Lynch, a man on death row, that likes to draw morbid pictures. After his lethal injection, he wakes up in a nice looking facility run by the Knights Templars. I think that’s the team Roy Hobbs played baseball for, but I digress.

The Templars want to track down the “apple of eden.” It will keep the human race from using free will and hurting each other.

Lynch is a direct descendent of assassin Aguilar de Nerha. He hid the apple over 500 years ago, and there’s a three billion dollar machine Sofia (Cotillard) helped create. They can plug into his neck to retrieve memories from people in his bloodline. That device is called an “Animus” and I always cracked up when they said that. It sounded like they were saying a hybrid word from “enema” and “anus.”

Jeremy Irons plays Rikkin, who is the big cheese behind the lab, and he goes on non-stop about how violence needs to be eradicated. Most of the time he looked like he could use an enema.

We’re given a brief history of what “assassins” were back in the day. In this, they’re protecting the “apple.” I was a bit confused as to who the bad guys were, but when a few of the fight scenes were fun and the set pieces cool, I didn’t mind. When things got dull and a bit repetitive, I started to mind.

A few times the fight scenes were a bit frenetic. Sometimes you want to be able to tell what is going on. And the Parkour seemed out of place in the 15th Century [it would be the second movie I saw today that featured Parkour; the other, Why Him?, used it better].

The movie also lacked any levity.

There was a 30 minute period where I comfortably had my feet up on the rail in front of me. When dialogue went to subtitles, I couldn’t see half the words because my foot was blocking my view. I was so comfortable, and so checked out of the movie, I didn’t bother to move. The film just wasn’t good enough to make that little bit of effort.

It was also close to two hours long.

1 ½ stars out of 5.

Notice: you are using an outdated browser. Microsoft does not recommend using IE as your default browser. Some features on this website, like video and images, might not work properly. For the best experience, please upgrade your browser.