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When I saw the trailers, I realized this was the perfect movie for Johnny Depp. He gets to do another wacky voice.

With Gwyneth Paltrow, I fear it’ll just give her an idea for the next goofy baby name she needs.

Depp brought along Paul Bettany, his co-star from Transcedence (which isn’t as bad as everyone says). Bettany steals the scenes he’s in.

This movie is like if you took the old Peter Sellers’ Pink Panther films, and let Mike Myers (in his Love Guru phase), write it.

It was such a strange experience watching it, because you can tell Depp is having a blast playing this eccentric nutjob. He’s always rubbing his mustache and exaggerating the British accent. It’s a lot of fun. Wait, scratch that. It could’ve been a lot of fun if he was given a somewhat witty script, and the character had just a little bit of charm.

Lord Charlie Mortdecai is an art dealer that’s in a bind financially. He’s selling a few pictures from his estate and Inspector Martland (Ewan McGregor) uses this opportunity to get him involved in solving an art heist. A woman was killed while cleaning a Goya.    While the thief was leaving her house, he gets bonked on the head and has it stolen from him. Mortdecai agrees to get involved for a “finders fee,” on the suggestion of his terrific right hand man – Jock Strapp (yeah, that’s the level of comedy). Again, Bettany is a lot of fun in this role, always seducing women and willing to constantly put his life on the line for Mortdecai.

We soon find out it’s not just the fact that this is a Goya, but a Nazi wrote a Swiss bank account number on the back, that contains Nazi gold (for a great movie dealing with Nazi gold, catch Black Sea in a few weeks, but I digress).

Jeff Goldblum, always wacky and fun on talk shows, is wasted. He plays an American billionaire that hires a car mechanic in England to stash the painting in a Rolls Royce he’s purchased. Speaking of wasted actors, Olivia Munn plays the nymphomaniac daughter of Goldblum. She’s of course, the only person attracted to Mortdecai and his mustache.

The movie had a few funny moments. I’m guessing every 15 minutes I chuckled at something. One of those scenes involves a bunch of mustachioed men getting on an elevator with Mortdecai.

Another is in his many attempts to seduce his wife (who has banned him from the bedroom after the mustache is grown). He bangs on her door saying, “I want to sink the Bismarck!”

Another time, an exasperated hotel clerk asks Mortdecai if he needs help with his bags. With a disgusted look on his face he replies, “No, I don’t need help with my bags, you twit! I have a bloody man servant!”

Perhaps I just laughed at lines like that because I wanted SOMETHING to laugh at.

The plot is more complex than it needed to be, but is still easier to follow then Incoherent Vice.

It gets bonus points for showing the most beautiful car ever made – the Jaguar XKE.

The movie, based on the Kyril Bonfiglioli series, is strictly for the Depp fans that don’t mind his wacky characters in bad movies.

It gets 1 ½ stars out of 5.


  • Jo F.

    I wish I would have read this review before I wasted my money on this Saturday night. It was awful. I must admit to laughing at the “open your balls” scenes. I have to ask you, Josh. What do you think the best movie mustache is of all time?

  • Josh Board

    The best mustaches??!! So many mustaches, so little time. There are the classics: Groucho Marx and Charlie Chaplin.
    In more modern times – Daniel Day Lewis has had a few good ones (Kings of New York, There Will Be Blood).
    For sex symbol types of the 70s/80s – Burt Reynolds, Sam Elliot, and Tom Selleck
    Tough guys: Charles Bronson.
    Smooth guys: Billy Dee Williams, Cab Calloway.
    The best mustaches are the ones done for humor. My favorite in that department is Harry Shearer as bassist Nigel Tuffnel in Spinal Tap.
    Others in the humor category would be: Will Ferrell (Anchorman), Matt Dillon (There’s Something About Mary), Neil Patrick Harris (A Million Ways to Die in the West), and the older brother from Napoleon Dynamite.

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