Heidi Klum Eats, Tilda Swinton Sleeps

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heidi klum seal lips

Seal and his ex-wife Heidi Klum, licking their lips after a burger.

I got home from racquetball at around 10:00 p.m. and did what everyone should do around that time – I turned on Fox 5 for some news. It was 45 minutes later that I saw a Carl’s Jr. commercial come on. I watched intently because I had heard a story recently about the latest one being controversial. It’s the usual thing – a hot woman in a bikini eating a burger, and people get upset. What upset me were a few different things. First, that they parody the classic Mike Nicholson move that made Dustin Hoffman a star – The Graduate. That’s the most unoriginal film to parody. And if you’re going to do it, make it better. Instead of him saying “You’re trying to seduce me,” how about him saying “Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to feed me, aren’t you?”

Have an actor with a really huge nose, so it’s hard for him to fit the burger into his mouth without his heading moving back and forth a few times to get the proper angle.

Oh, and having Heidi Klum as the seductress. That’s fine. She’s still gorgeous after four kids with Seal, but…something about Carl’s Jr. always using super models, when they look like the last people on the planet that would touch a burger.

And instead of them getting models in bikinis, which is goofy gimmick for commercials anyway, write a spot like the one they had 10 years ago. It had Machete actor Danny Trejo in prison (who was a long-time prisoner before making it in Hollywood). He’s lifting weights with other prisoners, looking like they want to kill somebody, as they’re watching the prison guards in the tower above them. They’re eating burgers, which are dripping all over the exercise yard. That’s clever, and nobody gets offended. The people that might get offended are locked up, so…no worries; and you’re not exploiting women.

Now, when the commercial ended and Kathleen Bade came back on the air, she did a story about actress Tilda Swinton. I think the Oscar winner is one of the top 5 actresses working today.

Her partner the last five years has been painter Sandro Kopp (18 years her junior). Swinton has dabbled in other mediums, once doing some spoken weird pieces on artist Patrick Wolf’s album The Bachelor. Well, Bade said she showed up at the Museum of Modern Art in Manhattan, and slept in a box. The piece is called The Maybe. I have no clue what that means, or why it’s not called The Sleepy.

tilda swinton

Tilda Swinton performing The Maybe back in the mid-90s.

She did this piece in 1995 at London’s Serpentine Gallery, drawing over 22,000 visitors. She took it to Rome the following year.

Apparently she’s going to be doing more of these, but they’ll be unannounced.

It basically consists of her sleeping in a cushioned box for 6 ½ hours. She has her glasses by her side, as well as a jug of water (no word on what she does if she needs a potty break).

I immediately laughed at the stupidity of it, as well as the thought of a scene recently in The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, where the two magicians were going to attempt to do this above the streets of Las Vegas, only to fall out of the box after 20 minutes.

New York resident Yoko Ono, who always fancied herself an artist, is probably screaming “Why didn’t I think of that?!” (at least the rest of us wouldn’t have to listen to her yelp style screaming)

Sarah Jessica Parker was at the gallery, as was Kick-Ass star Chloe Moretz, who tweeted a photo of Swinton in the box.

Ya know, these actors are always going Method in their acting approach. They’ll ride along with cops for a few weeks if they’re playing an officer. Perhaps Swinton is going to be in a remake of Boxing Helena.

I was going to end this story mentioning my favorite performance of hers, but she’s done so many. Last year she had a small part in Moonrise Kingdom. Before that she was in the disappointing We Need to Talk About Kevin. Her performance as the frustrated and exhausted mom was brilliant, as was her performance playing an alcoholic in Julia (which had a great first half, horrible second half).

She was one of the only interesting characters in The Curious Life of Benjamin Button, as Brad Pitt’s first lover.

She had George Clooney as a lover in Burn After Reading, a great Coen brothers comedy. Watching her snap at him and her husband John Malkovich in that, just hysterical.

If you can’t make to the gallery, perhaps rent one of those movies (It would be cheaper than the $20 the gallery is charging).

The funniest thing I’ve ever seen her involved in, is a picture Conan O’Brien often holds up. He says she’s his doppelganger. I’m guessing she loves that.

She was recently in the latest David Bowie video. I’ve seen many photos where she looks a lot like Bowie.

Critics use the cliché about actors we love: “I could watch them standing there reading the phone book.”

That made me think…why didn’t she do that in a Plexiglass box? You can’t tell me she’s actually sleeping all that time, knowing people are watching her.


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