Fast Five

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fast five

Of course these guys are tough. They’re bald, and they have tattoos.

Of all my friends, only one is tougher on movies than I am.

I remember when we saw Speed (Keanu Reeves/Sandra Bullock), he hated it simply because a bus jumped over a bridge, defying the laws of…well…every physics law imaginable.

I can let some of that go when I’m watching the late Dennis Hopper as a crazed villain, and Cameron from Ferris Bueller as a scared bus passenger.

Yet it’s baffling me that Fast Five is getting such good reviews, and from many of the big named critics. They even admit the stunts and scenarios are all implausible.

Watching the first scene (stealing cars from a moving train), was mildly amusing. Watching them drive off was ridiculous, and seeing a Corvette go over a huge cliff, as Paul Walker and Vin Diesel jump into water – looked unrealistic and the crowd I saw it with laughed at the ridiculousness of it.

They didn’t laugh at the dialogue that the screenwriter thought was funny. That would include The Actor Formerly Known as The Rock, Dwayne Johnson, telling authorities how hard it will be to catch this group. He ends by saying “So put on your funderwear.”

Wow.

I never thought I’d see the day where I missed Arnold Schwarzenegger’s crappy action films.

The fight scenes were just as ridiculous as the car chases. Every wall the guys fall through, and they can punch each other endless times with nobody being knocked out or breaking a hand.

When running from machine gun fire, nobody gets shot; and as they jump from roof top to roof top in the beautiful city of Rio (which I loved so much more in the animated Rio from a few weeks ago) – nobody breaks an ankle, even if it’s a 50 foot drop.

I remember a Bourne Identity film where the roof jumping scenes were exciting and fun. This wasn’t.

When the guys decide to do “one last job,” they have to “assemble a team.”

This will mean you get the Asian guy that’s great with wires, the rapper turned actor (Ludacris, in a ludicrous film) that is great at cracking safes, the gorgeous woman that can throw knives. Oh wait…that’s another movie; but you get the point.

A sign that I’m getting old – there were gorgeous woman, and I’m drooling over all the cool cars.

This movie is Oceans 11 on steroids. Now, I’m not saying the Rock does steroids – even though he walks like he’s got rocks down his pants and in his shirt. And I can’t recall a single scene of him where he wasn’t covered in sweat.

It did have a few cool stunts and the best exploding toilet scene since Lethal Weapon 2.

But did this really need to be over two hours long?

I’m giving it a D-.

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