Ocean’s 8

There are a few idiots out there that are mad that the women have rebooted the Ocean’s films. Those same folks had a problem with Ghostbusters being remade with a female cast. My only problem with either of these reboots is….they’re just not very good movies. It’s kind of like a con on the audience. You’re being given a name you recognize in a film title, an incredible cast, and before you know it, your money has disappeared (two movie tickets, large soda and popcorn…that adds up to the price of a small diamond).

Let’s start with the three things that worked in this movie. The outfits. I’m guessing the wardrobe budget was about the same as the salaries these A-list actresses got for being in this picture. The two other things — Anne Hathaway and comedic actor/talk show host James Corden. I’ve gotten tired of his “carpool karaoke” but every time he has a small part in a movie, he cracks me up. As an insurance investigator in this, he’s aces.

Hathaway, playing an egotistical actress, is just incredible. She stole every scene she was in (no pun intended).

It’s a shame the rest of the cast is wasted. For example, every time I saw Mindy Kaling in the commercial, as the jewelry maker, I laughed. Yet she, and the rest of the cast, aren’t really given enough character traits to be all that interesting.

Rihanna, who I realized has a very strange shaped face and head, plays a computer hacker named 9-ball. She just does the tough guy bit while staring at a computer screen.

Sandra Bullock is playing the sister of Danny Ocean (George Clooney, who…sort of makes an appearance, in an 8×10 framed photo). She just plays it cool.

Cate Blanchett plays a character that my wife and I both thought, acted so strangely in her interactions with Bullock, we wondered if they were supposed to be ex-lovers.

The timing for this movie is perfect. People are still talking about the Met Gala from last month, and this is surely fashion-porn for those fans. They’ll also be the only ones that get excited because you see Anna Wintour in a quick scene, and some other fashionistas.

There are so many problems with this movie. I won’t dissect all the plot holes, but will mention there’s one character that’s a genius. She’s the sister of the 9-ball character and she pops up merely to solve this problem that would’ve made the entire heist impossible. Easily the dumbest scene I’ve ever seen in a heist picture.

Another problem is that there’s not a lot of tension. There’s not much humor. The only joke I recall is Kaling, upon looking at the seating chart and seeing all the celebrities that will be in attendance, says, “Can’t we just go to this instead of robbing it?”

Now, I’m someone that’s gotten tired of heist movies, but I love a good con. Instead, I’m watching women set up a photographer to snap a photo that will get the fashion designer they want (Helena Bonham Carter, playing another one of her quirky characters). It also involves a few of the women getting jobs that will enable them to get inside the big event. Neither of those things are all that…exciting.

There’s also no conflict. These women all seem to get along so well. A little tension among them would’ve gone a long way. Instead, all these women have swagger and are bad-ass in their own way.

You’re also left to wonder about the motivations of these women. One just seems to be a bored suburban housewife that does some kind of ebay scams that has her garage filled with stolen goods. Another makes jewelry, and has to listen to her nagging mom talk about how she’ll never find a husband. Ms. Ocean just did a 5-year stint in prison, and it’s bizarre to think that her face is being seen on all these video cameras, and that she wouldn’t be a prime suspect.

Director Gary Ross (Pleasantville, Seabiscuit, The Hunger Games) co-wrote the script, and I felt like he gave us a cubic zirconia. It’s shiny and looks nice, and most people won’t know the difference.

This is a movie that audiences will flock to, and they’ll have a great time getting out of the summer heat in a cool movie theatre, enjoying these cool crooks. It’s just a shame it’s not a better movie.

2 stars out of 5.