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Grown Ups 2

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grown ups 2

Adam Sandler is surprised a studio actually gave him money for this.

In the opening scene, a deer wanders into Adam Sandler’s house and urinates on him. I’m tempted to do the same thing to him after sitting through such an awful movie. The first Grown Ups wasn’t very good, but at least it had a few laughs. This movie put the “number 2” in Grown Ups. Lots of toilet humor and jokes that scraped the bottom of the barrel.

It had no laughs. Well, no laughs in the first 35 minutes. I left at that point. I couldn’t take any more of it. The critic next to me was leaving with their guest, saying “This is awful.”

I said, “You know what? You’re right. I doubt it’s going to get any better.”

With that, we all walked out.

Before I go on, I should explain – this isn’t a great practice for movie critics. The late Roger Ebert once got a lot of angry mail for reviewing a movie that he hated so much, he left after 8 minutes (he eventually went back and saw all of Tru Loved…still hated it).

Recently, Rex Reed (who saw his share of controversy when he knocked Melissa McCarthy’s weight in his review of Identity Thief) reviewed the horror movie V/H/S 2. He left after 20 minutes of it. I have no problem with that, as long as he does two things. Let’s the readers know he left after 20 minutes, and avoids using phrases like “the movie was unwatchable from start to finish.”

That’s one of the things he said describing the movie, and he didn’t admit he left after 20 minutes. He just mentioned the scene that drove him from the theatres. A moviegoer did the math.

Reed also gets facts about that movie wrong.

So if a critic leaves a movie early – he needs to tell everyone that, and perhaps do a lot of research to get the correct info on the film.

All that being said, I’ll refrain from saying Grown Ups 2 was unwatchable from start to finish. It was unwatchable in the first 35 minutes, though.

The cast was uninspired, perhaps because the jokes didn’t work. Rob Schneider didn’t return, although I hardly doubt the bad script is the reason. It’s never stopped him before.

I was excited to see one of the best Saturday Night Live cast members ever – Cheri Oteri. It’s crazy to think she left SNL after five years for a series of bad movies. In this, she plays an old girlfriend that still has a thing for Adam Sandler. She somehow works with Selma Hayek (Sandler’s wife in the movie), and shows her a note he wrote in 5th grade. There’s nothing realistic, or even remotely funny, about the scene. I was merely embarrassed for the actresses on screen. I’m not even sure why Hayek, and the talented Steve Buscemi and Maria Bello, agreed to do this garbage.

Here’s another problem this movie had. It’s trying to play these scenarios as if they’re realistic. Yet none of it would make sense.

Kevin James stands and watches his wife give their child a quiz in which all questions are wrong, and she congratulations him. She explains, “We don’t want to be negative and ruin his confidence.”

We watch as Maya Rudolph (wife of Chris Rock in the movie) goes to an aerobics class and says to the good looking instructor, when he asks if anybody has questions, “I have two. One…were you created in a lab? Two…can I stick my tongue down your throat?”

Oh, and before that, we get this brilliant stab at comedy – Jon Lovitz comes in. He’s clearly the janitor, but dupes the attractive women into doing a series of stretches that have their chests jiggling. He tells them that it’s a warm up until the instructor gets there.

You’ll get to see Nick Swardson, whose only ever made me laugh on Reno 911, show up as the drugged out school bus driver. It’s funny when Otto plays a stoned bus driver on The Simpson’s. It’s not in this.

When Sandler lets him sleep it off while tooling around town in the bus – you’re just scratching your head and wondering why anybody let him even make this movie.

There was a scene in which David Spade finds out he had a child he didn’t know about, from a one-night stand with a woman that hiccupped. I guess it’s slightly amusing to see a tall version of him get off the train, but nothing else about the scene worked.

It’s always nice to see Tim Meadows. The former SNL cast member was great as the principal in Mean Girls, and was one of the few funny things in Walk Hard (“You don’t want any of this, Dewey!”). He plays a guy working at Kmart, who’s made fun of because he’s bald. He also says “What?!” after each thing he’s told by this gang of dopes.

I’ve seen enough of the late shows and commercials for the movie, to know that Shaquille O’Neal has a role in the movie. The scene they show in the trailers with him isn’t funny (although the story Sandler tells about seeing him in the shower on the late shows, is).

There’s a scene with Taylor Lautner (Twilight) I’ve seen in commercials that’s kind of funny; but when I’ve seen the first 30 minutes, countless commercials and clips, and only find one thing “kind of funny”…it’s a movie I feel safe in not recommending.

David Spade said it best when he was on Jay Mohr’s sports show Friday morning. Mohr brought up Grown Ups 2, and Spade replied, “I don’t want to talk about the movie.”

Guest Adam Carolla started laughing, and immediately brought up its low score on Rotten Tomatoes (it’s getting 7% good reviews; the first Grown Ups got 10%).

Out of curiosity I jumped on Rotten Tomatoes to see which critics liked it. The only one I had heard of works for Entertainment Weekly, and that magazine gives good reviews to everything. Perhaps they do that to keep the celebrities doing interviews with them.

This “comedy” will be on many “worst lists” at the end of the year. Avoid it at all costs. And remember – the best movie of the year was released this weekend. It’s called The Way, Way Back.

I’m guessing Grown Ups 2 will make twice as much as The Way, Way Back…which means Chris Rock, David Spade, and Adam Sandler will be way way back for Grown Ups 3.

Sandler bought them all Maseratti’s after the success of the first film. I’m guessing he’ll buy them Pintos this time.

It gets 0 stars.

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