In Search of a Smile

It’s been some time since I sat down and wrote much of anything other than news stories or thank you notes.  But, it’s been an unsettling few months with my emotions running close to the surface.

For anyone who really knows me… I am extremely private and for me to be unable to hide what I am really feeling, is to feel more vulnerable than is comfortable.

Kathleen Bade and Loren Nancarrow

Kathleen Bade and Loren Nancarrow

My co-anchor/cohort and most importantly friend, Loren Nancarrow was diagnosed with brain cancer in January, my director/friend was in a near fatal motorcycle accident the same night, and my daughter’s teacher’s husband was in a car accident caused by a brain tumor, which turned into a coma and ultimately his untimely death.  This was all before February.

It’s been a lot to digest even from the sidelines.

So much loss, on so many levels.  I miss Loren at work terribly and frankly just being in his orbit.  I miss my director’s funny quips in my earpiece while I’m on the set. I miss the fun-loving aura that once surrounded my daughter’s teacher, as she bravely moves forward with her 6-year-old daughter after such a heartbreaking blow.

I miss.  I miss.  I miss.  It has felt like a theme for 2013.

I know life deals us all kinds of hands and we have to play the cards we’re dealt.  Though some would argue I’ve never been playing with a full deck, I have always been good at shuffling my cards to make the best of what I have.  But this time around, watching so many I care about having to ante up way more than their share, I pulled out of the game for awhile – to look for my smile.  Then I came across the words of another one time San Diego resident, Theodor Geisel who inspired me to propel forward:

   “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” – Dr. Suess

Apparently, my smile was right under my nose the whole time.

16 comments

  • Doug Mayhew

    I don't know you I was a HS classmate of Loren's. I'm touched by your words as I've had similar struggles and you reminded me to smile, Thank you

  • Richard Hankla

    Kathleen, the 5 evening news team is a very Special team, that I enjoy very much. My wife and I have enjoyed Loren for many years before he came to news 5. I'm sure Kathleen you are a Fantastic wife and Mother just as you are at co-anchoring news 5. Oh, by the way I'm retired, 65 years old and a Air Force Nam Vet, so I've been around the block once or twice. I do very much understand your wanting to keep your life private with all the weird ones out there. I have been helping my second cousin and her girls get away from a abusive husband and father, long story so I won't bore you with it now. Sometimes when you become over loaded with life's trials and challenges you have to find that special thing or place that puts the smile back on your face and strength to go on. After our Lord has given me a second chance at life after open heart surgery, I look at everything in a completely different light now. My brother's wife is dieing from a body full of cancer, so on the days when I'm a little down I look at the pictures of three Beautiful cousins I found after heart surgery in Arkansas. After raising my two sons on my own, I have very high regards for the opposite sex. You ladies are the wonder of the world, you give life, care for all of those in your lives, work, love and some how make a house a home, I get tired thinking about it. You are for sure a Miracle of life that only our Lord could have created and I have a lot of trouble why more men don't understand that. You are surrounded by love enjoy it and cherish it's memories. Love your Blog……..

  • Jan

    Kathleen, this is why I watch your News show every night. It's YOU! Thank you so much for posting that. And I miss Loren by your side, he's been a part of my TV for decades.

  • californiasdreamydesserts

    Kathleen, thank you so much for sharing this "inside" look of your relationship with Loren. We know that you miss him and as much as we do too, we miss the two of you side by side. God bless you and as Loren said earlier, "thanks for being you".

  • Nanci

    Thanks a ton for sharing your most private thoughts. I more than understand as I too am very private. I miss Loren by your side. You two have great chemistry. You have been delt a deck of tragies this year. You are an amazing, talented woman who can handle this. Loren is blessed to call you friend. And you Kathleen have been blessed to call Loren friend. This too shall pass. Hugs to you girlfriend!

  • Ron Tyler

    I had to share this Loren. Throughout the years, you have said things that have touched many peoples lives including mine. You did it again.
    Thanks a lot from all of us that needed that!

    Ron in SLC

  • Elly

    Kathleen, I am not a regular watcher of Fox news, but I did watch Lauren when he was on channel 8 and again the entire time he was on channel 10. I'm so saddened to hear of the brain cancer!!! And I totally understand how you are feeling right now. I too have lost a series of family members and friends to devastating diseases, including pancreatic cancer. I am moved by your kindness.

  • Andy Casillas Hein

    Kathleen, I have been so close to just tossing this year out the door for some of the same reasons as you've experienced. Sudden loss and threats of loss on so many dear friends within the first 3 months of 2013! To a point of screaming ENOUGH. We'll help all those along that need us and look for answers to so many questions. I do love the Geisel quote, thank you for giving us that. Andy (a former co-worker).

  • susienancarrow

    Sweet Kathleen,
    Loren has been your biggest fan from the day he met you. Our son a close second, for other reasons and I, because you are an amazing woman. Humble, GORGEOUS, real, quick, funny, intelligent, strong, an incredible mother, a devoted friend. We are so grateful to know you, to call you and your beautiful family, including your lovely in laws, friends. Please know that this situation is very sad, very hard, very scary. Yet, you have offered a ray of sunlight to some very dark days.
    With Much Love Forever,
    Susie Nancarrow

  • Susan Lennon

    Susie, you could not have said it better. Kathleen is beautiful, amazing and has the biggest heart.
    I wrote the following text to her when I read her blog:

    "Well if I thought the moms at school looked at me like I am a nut job… It's
    official. I was sitting in the pick up line to get my boys …. crying, reading your blog… feeling and
    understanding everything you said. I feel a LJ Country Day intervention coming on….but I will not go quietly!
    Beautiful job.
    Love you all

  • Jacque Glick

    Thanks for sharing this Kathleen….I have had lots of friends and acquaintances die in the past year, and many relatives (husband, Mom, Sister, Dad) within the last 10 years, so I know death; but I am a very devout Catholic, daily Mass person, and feel so close to God, and always hear his message of love, which keeps a smile on my face too.

  • Stan Miller

    Kathleen, I was really moved by this. Forwarded to 5,000 people. There are times in life, especially for news people, where you just can't laugh it off and walk out the door. And you would think by reporting these things everyday we would be hardened a bit by it. Then it happens to someone we know. The news becomes more real, we have a renewed compassion for those who are suffering that we don't know. This is why what we do is so important…once we learn true compassion. And true compassion can only truly be learned by suffering with those who suffer. Beautiful. Thank you. I am smiling for Loren…and for you.

  • nefbenz

    Matthew 11:28 NIV
    “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

  • Anonymous

    Kathleen, Stan Miller, and all who post to Loren: none of us is alone in this world. We only need to take down the mask and let others see. Others have already been where we are walking today, and they might have a comforting or helpfull word to offer. This horrid cancer that Loren has has actually allowed so many of us to empathize because we know the journey he and his family and friends are on. There are so many wonderful people sharing great words of encouragement to not just Loren, but by their postings – to all of us. Loren, can you feel the love? Everyone – CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE? Best healing thoughts go out to you. Visualize a worm that likes to eat plums, eating that Blob until there is no more Blob. Now see yourself needing to come up with a sign off. Something short and sweet like FEEL THE LOVE.

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